Hold On

Today is hard. I’m at loose ends. I’m not really sure what to do, how to act. So I’m trying to be normal. Get up, shower, get the kids up, make breakfast, get the kids dressed, read books, play with blocks, put them down for a morning rest/nap. The kids, not the books and blocks.

I’ve already gone through all the “This might be one of the last times I’ll ______.” Twice now. We’ve prepared for and had our “last weekend” as a family. Three times. I’ve visited with my grandparents, spent time with my aunts, laughed, talked, and cried with my sister. Hugged, kissed, snuggled, clung to my babies. Savored being with my husband. Enjoyed the company of my mom and dad. Now I’m just waiting. And hoping. And praying.

I really like the Christian songwriter and singer Nichole Nordeman. On her Brave album, there’s a song called Hold On. Some of the lines from the song that really speak to me right now are….

So baby don’t believe that it’s over/Maybe you can’t see ‘round the corner, so/Hold on, Love will find you/Hold on, He’s right behind you now/Just turn around, Love will find you /To hang between two thieves in the darkness/Love must believe you were worth it

Yeah, I definitely feel like I can’t see around the corner. I have no idea what lies ahead. But that’s ok. It has to be ok, because I can’t change that.

And yeah, Jesus must have believed that I am worth it, because He did it. Died, I mean. For me, too.

I’ve done everything that I can do. Right? I keep questioning that. But I don’t know what else I could have done. We’ve made full restitution. I’ve taken responsibility. We’ve prepared for the hearing, gone through the psychological evaluation, gotten letters of support from family, friends, and community members. We have prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I refuse to do the Christian guilt thing and question my level of faith. As if faith is like currency with God, and He gives us things based on our amount of faith. As if we can take our faith to the God ATM and trade it in for things we want or need. Maybe depending on the outcome of tomorrow’s hearing, I’ll change my stance. Maybe I’ll berate myself for not having enough faith and not believing God enough and if I’d prayed harder or fasted more or given more, then God would have done something different.

I need to shake myself out of this. I can’t begin questioning things, especially outcomes that I haven’t seen yet.