Rant, etc.

Warning: This may be somewhat of a rant…

I did a little research on Friday.  I wanted to know why the prosecutor was taking this case so personally, to try and find out more about this person who was making such vicious attacks on me as a person and as a mother.   So I typed the name into Google and what do you know!! This person sits on the board of a local children’s hospital.  A hospital that has received almost $3 million in donations from the “victim” of my mistake.  Hmmm, starting to make sense now…

If it was a judge, the judge would have to excuse him/herself on the basis that this constitutes a conflict of interest.  Why the prosecutor did not disclose this information is a mystery – it should have been disclosed.   It presents a possible ethical complaint against the prosecutor.  But what good will that do me?

The thing is, I know what I did was wrong.  I made a tremendous mistake, with far-reaching and long-term consequences.  But I think that everything that I have freely and willingly done right to correct that wrong also needs to be considered as well.  Justice is supposed to be blind.  And justice is supposed to be administered with impartiality.  I’m frustrated, and scared, and worried that I’m not going to receive an impartial and blind execution of justice. 

I think I’m done with any rant now.  I guess that was kind of tame, considering how I could go off…

My parents were out of town a this last weekend for a friend’s 60th birthday.  They spent a couple nights there, and when to church with them on Sunday.  My mom shared with me yesterday how a lady at their church came up to her and handed her a piece of paper, and said “God gave me these scriptures for your daughter.  Do you have a daughter?” and then gave her the paper and walked away.  She doesn’t even know the woman, and the woman isn’t aware of anything that is going on with me.  Check out what the verses are:

Isaiah 30:15, 18-19  This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.  For the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him!  O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more.  How gracious he will be when you cry for help.  As soon as he hears, he will answer you.”

Wow.  So I’m thinking that I should take this to heart, and do a little less crying, and a little more crying out for help.

 

 

 

Another Delay

I don’t know if I should really call it a delay.  We went to court today, did a bunch of legal stuff, wrestled with calendars and court schedules, and finally were able to get the sentencing hearing reset for Monday, August 11.  Ten days from now. 

This herky-jerky stuff is wearing on me emotionally.  This is my FOURTH scheduled sentencing hearing.  This will be the fourth time I’ll go through all of the mental farewells.  I was a wreck last night putting my children to bed.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through all this.  Living in limbo, unsure of our future, unsure of how to make plans, is really a test of my faith.  And my husband’s faith, and my parents’ faith too, as we are living with them.  Aren’t we so good at planning things out, deciding on how things will be? Instead of making plans and saying, “If it’s the Lord’s will, then I’ll do this, or go there.”  I guess I just want to know if I’m going to be around for my son’s 2nd birthday, or my daughter’s first day of school, or first loose tooth, or next Christmas, or my next wedding anniversary! 

I need to go take a nap while my children are sleeping.  I have been sleeping so poorly lately and it isn’t helping anything.

I just thought of something: my new camera comes on August 6, so at least I’ll have an opportunity to play with it.  And, I can reschedule my doctor’s appointment from Monday the 11th to Friday the 8th and get to hear the heartbeat.  Not to mention that I have 10 days of time with my children and my husband to look forward to.  I still have many things for which to be thankful.

God In Whom I Trust

I just got a phone call with bad news.  I lost the judge that was assigned to the case, the good, fair, intelligent, reasonable judge.  Now it is a crapshoot as to who will be assigned, and even if my case will be heard today or if it will be rescheduled yet again.

I cannot tell you how this has shaken my heart.  How it has shaken my resolve and confidence and strength in facing this situation.  How scared I am, and how hard I am trembling.  Tears keep spilling out of my eyes and I can’t catch my breath.  I am so desperate for God to intervene on my behalf in a miraculous and powerful way.

Last night I felt compelled to read Psalm 118.  Now I understand why:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.  Let those who fear the Lord say: “His love endures forever.”  In my anguish I cried to the lord, and he answered by setting me free.  The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper.  I will look in triumph on my enemies.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes [or judges].  All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the Lord I cut them off.  They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the Lord I cut them off.  The swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the Lord I cut them off.  The Lord is my strength and my son; he has become my salvation.  Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous:  “The Lord’s right hand has done mighty things! The Lord’s right hand is lifted high; the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things.!”  I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.  The Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.  Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the Lord.  I will give You thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.  The Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes.  This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.  O Lord, save us; O Lord, grant us success.  The Lord is God, and he has made his light shine upon us.  You are my God, and I will you thanks; you are my God and I will exalt you.  Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever. 

Truly, the Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?  The Lord is my helper, even when I am overwhelmed and surrounded on every side.  And God can, and will, do mighty things on my behalf.