April 25, 2008

Don't know what to say.

I got some bad news today. Not terrible. But it doesn’t help anything. And it makes things more complicated.

I’m so angry and frustrated. I feel so useless, like there is nothing I can to do change things or impact the outcome.

Ladybug was calling from her bed, ready to get up. I couldn’t take the time to indulge (wallow) in these feelings – I mean, there are little people depending on me to have it together. So I turned on some cartoons and climbed in the shower. And cried. The shower is a great place to cry. You don’t have to wipe your eyes or nose, and your pillow and shirt don’t get wet. I also prayed. Well, tried to. More like “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” over and over.

What if I go away? How will I handle the thousand heartbreaks of being away from my family? Wild Thing’s first words? Ladybug’s first day of school? Where is Mama? Why do you have to go, Mama? When will Mama be home, Daddy? How can I leave my husband to answer these questions?

I can handle being broke, doing without. Can I handle being broken?

How can I do this? How can I handle what surely lies ahead for me? For my family?

Cast all your cares upon Me…

But how?

The name of the Lord is a strong and mighty tower; the righteous run to it and are saved.

But how do I run to the name of the Lord?

Do you not know how, or do you not trust Me?

Of course I trust you. But what if You let me down? What if the outcome isn’t what I want?

My love and mercy never fail you. They are new every morning.

But how will I get through it? How?

Nothing can separate you from My love.

What about my children?

They belong to me, and I am a compassionate Father. I will draw them to myself with arms of love.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know my fears and apprehension. But I also know that Jesus came to conquer fear and death. And the reassurance of His love truly IS an assurance. But I’m still scared. And worried. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the days ahead. Only by His mercy.

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