Feelings

Here I am, all alone. TV off. Books away. Just me. Kids in bed. Man of the House is away for the evening. Just me, all alone. Alone with my feelings, if I dare explore them. And do I dare? They are so wide, so deep, so dark. And I am afraid of being engulfed. That, and not feeling anything at all. What if I’ve “stuffed” them so long that now I cannot feel them?

So what do I feel?

Anger. Horror. Dismay. Fear. Guilt. Shame. Sadness. Hopeless. Bereft and alone. Futile. Overwhelmed.

I am so afraid of the unknown. So afraid of the future. I want to hold on to every day, live it, embrace it, savor it, and not surrender to sleep at night because it signals that there is one less day before facing… what?

“I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Ok, so I don’t have to be scared of the future. But I am also afraid for my children. Afraid of how this may affect them. But I cannot control that, so I can only entrust them to Jesus.

Hopeless… how can this turn out well for me and my family?

I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Right. And I am not bereft and alone. God has NOT abandoned me. His mercy IS new every morning. He hasn’t given up on me, and He won’t ever.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

God is still at work in my life and in my circumstances. Nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus.

If God is for us, who can be against us? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And yes, I am needy. I cannot do anything on my own or with my own strength. And when I call to Jesus, He will answer me.

I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.

Overwhelmed? Sure. But—

Humble yourselves under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

And

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

God HAS been good to me. He has held me up during times when I didn’t think I would make it. He has blessed me with good health, a loving family. He is still in control. Any illusions I have of being in control are false. God is the King. And nothing, no system, no entity, no person, can triumph over his authority and might. I will make it through this. God will get me through this. I don’t see when, or how, but His mercy will carry me through.